To my mom

My mom left my town, my sister, my kids, and most of my life four years ago. She decided to explore a new life for herself. I have kept many of the emotions about this event in the back of my consciousness, to the point even I was not sure how I felt about it. However, the time has come for me to explore how I feel about this event in my life. I feel much better after writing this.

As a child, you were magical. You could make a scrap feel better with a kiss. You could tell what was going on behind your head. The house was clean in a twitch of a nose, and I never ran out of blankets to keep me warm.

As a teenager, I hated you. I was in love and you did not understand. I needed more independence and privacy. I felt like you were smothering me. My world was different then yours.

As an adult, you left. I don’t understand. You packed up your things and left town. You split from everyone like a rebellious teen. Do you hate me? I don’t understand. I wonder if it were not for HIM would you still be here. I watch my peers mourn the death of their parents, and I feel disconnected. Do you think you can just call every once in awhile and it makes it ok? Promises of visiting have been met with nothing. Would I even recognize you if I saw you? Even as an adult, four years is a long time. Even when I was sick, you did not come. I could not walk. I could not talk. It was not you that took care of me. It was my mother-in-law. She had to bathe me; she had to help me to the bathroom. She held me close, and when I could talk she listened to my struggles. As grateful as I was, I could not stop thinking about you. You should have been there. How dare you choose to be THERE and not here. Wherever there was? Was it Indiana or Kentucky? Do you even remember? I sat in a hospital room looking at the cornfields of Illinois.

What about all the problems with my son? They don’t know what is going on with him. His behavior is unique, hard to control and impossible to predict. I cannot be magical. He does not believe in it. His world is dark, and everything makes him angry. I wish I could help. I don’t know how. Things are hard, and where are you! It is not as you don’t know what is going on. You call. I tell, and still you don’t show.

A phone call is not enough. A phone call does not make you a mom, a grandmother or a better person.

I was raised not to hate. I was raised to say please, thank you, and excuse me. A parent’s job is never done.

Excuse me, will you please come home? I promise to thank you.

An unconventional mother's day

An Unconventional Mother's Day

A few years ago you left us alone
Even though we are grown
Having no mother here
Often brings a tear

It was not death that took you away
But yet you choose not to stay
It was not something you had to do
But for some reason you flew

You left your life,
Your children had to take it in strife
This mother’s day, we look for an explanation
Why you are not here for a celebration

For years you took care of me
For years your love is what I could see
For years my sister and I
Found that you were the one we could rely

Now has mother’s day comes near
I found another faithful tear
As I sit in the corner wondering why
You choose to say good-bye

Mom

Mom

Though all of the years
And the many tears

You have been there for me
In ways that only time as let me see

When your body is gone
Your words will be what I lean on

You will come to see me more in my dreams
Your love will comfort me in streams

I know that the time will come
I am now longer under your thumb

For now you are the one that shows me the way
When my values are a bit gray

You are my mother
I will have no other

I love you each and every day
More and more

Parenting Photo

Photo by Nicole Holmes

Hey Mom,

I fall for you every day.